The most surprising part of my 2018 was that I would spend it completely sober. I didn’t intend to do this, but I’m so glad I did.
This comes from a man who loves his beer and adores his bourbon.
In recent years I’ve often wondered if I drank too much (I do) and if I’ve ever been on the verge of turning it into a problem (grey area, so maybe yes). I’ve gone over this numerous times with a therapist and the line isn’t a bright one to draw. I have never been a blackout drinker but I’m also someone who doesn’t like having just one, and rarely appreciates only two, three can be nice but that one often leads me to four or five which dumps me into a hangover. This happened once or twice a week, not to mention the once or twice a month where I drank more. This level of drinking might not be terribly excessive but it’s more than enough to be considerably intrusive (not only on my plans and potential but on my emotions, diet, finances, health). So just “what to do” about drinking has been up for debate.
I do a yearly “sober January” — perhaps you’re familiar?— which usually consists of no drinking for the month aside from 1 or 2 “hall passes” if there is say, a birthday party or a Super Bowl, I made an exception.
I did my time this last January, sans hall passes, and for no reason at all I decided to roll it over at least til my birthday in February. But when my birthday came I spent it being quite physically active and I decided I’d wait until my 90 day mark.
90 days came on a trip to Joshua Tree with my best friend. I bought my favorite IPA which I intended to open over a star-lit campfire. One of my very favorite things to do.
But... by the 90 day mark I was also feeling benefits that don’t come in a mere 30 days. At three months I started seeing weight loss. I also happened to finish a new play. I’d developed a daily meditation practice for the first time ever. And I was SAVING MONEY. I did stuff I usually “couldn’t afford” like, ya know, the dentist, yoga classes, eating out (and finding the bill about half what it used to be).
I left the IPA in the cooler, and then put it in my fridge where it still lives nine months later.
Instead I decided I’d wait until opening night of the play I was doing to toast. Get through the rehearsal process, then enjoy! But by then I decided to wait until closing. Get through the run, then enjoy! By closing I was a week away from 6 months. I found I was already enjoying.
At 6 months and only then did I think about a long term plan. I decided I need to get through a few events that I normally associate with drinking and reestablish a relationship with these events without being sauced:
International Flights where they practically throw alcohol at you.
Being abroad and trying what “the locals drink.”
Family reunions.
Thanksgiving.
Holiday Parties.
Christmas.
New Years.
And another thing happened along the way. I had the fucking BUSIEST YEAR I’VE EVER HAD. I’m sure that the flowering of a good professional year coinciding with a year of not drinking is pure coincidence, but I can also be sure of this: At the rate I was going I wouldn’t have been able to handle a couple mild hangovers per week and one or two big hangovers a month and stay on top of shit without certain burnout.
Actually through the year I really started to wonder how the fuck I did it in other years. Here’s one possible answer: often times I didn’t do it, or I wasn’t doing it, or if I did, it came at serious cost.
Not everything was great. I gained some weight back— in absence of the numbing alcohol I found eating crap was fun. I still slept in too much (a thing I always blamed on drinking). I was still susceptible to irritability and anxiety and depression. But the kinda cool thing was that if I was eating crap or sleeping in or pissed off or anxious or sad I could definitively rule out at least one cause— alcohol— as the reason.
And some things were surprisingly cool. Dodger Stadium. Ordering a coffee. “Coffee??” they say, puzzled as hell and looking to see if they even have a coffee pot. “Please.” And then Yasiel Puig slams a triple while you are wired. Sports on caffeine is as much fun as on booze.
Driving home. Whenever. No worries.
Feeling tired. Naturally.
It was a good year to meet myself without the tasty poison. I haven’t decided if I’ll crack an IPA in 2019. I can see myself being quite happy as a non-drinker. I couldn’t see that before. But I’m in zero hurry to revisit hangovers, and blind excuses to numb myself with an addictive liquid. We’ll see. I made it a year without planning to. Something about that worked. So I’m not going to overthink this point.
So. If you’ve ever considered trying something like this, as someone who loves an amber and a rye probably as much as you if not more, I urge you to do it. You don’t have to necessarily identify as an alcoholic to consider that cutting out drinking may bring some unforeseen benefit to your life. A grey area drinker stands to gain, too. At the very least run the experiment. If it’s too hard, that might signal something important. And if it comes easy, the only thing you really have to lose is some weight (maybe) and hangovers (definitely). And my guess is you’ll probably gain valuable perspective along the way.
Here’s one such I gained:
— No drinking? How healthy!
— Actually, it’s neutral. I’m just back to normal.
Happy New Year.